Often, when I come to see you I want some kind of recognition: a sign that you see me, that you know I exist – a look, a hand gesture, perhaps to answer a question. You never respond to this. Feeling the tension and pain this longing causes in me, I cry and then relax. An opening is there and you look my way. Osho, must I always go through this way of pain and tears to reach my inner being? I am Jewish by conditioning – could that be part of it?
Prem Indivar, that explains everything – that you are Jewish by conditioning. But your question may be the question of many others.
You say, “Often when I come to see You I want some kind of recognition.” This is one of the sicknesses of our souls. The whole existence recognizes you – the birds by their songs, the trees by their flowers, the sun by its rays, the moon by its beauty – they are all recognizing you. Just you have forgotten. You want recognition in a human way; perhaps in language.
Existence is silent, its recognition is silent.
All that you have to know is to be silent to understand the recognition.
As far as I am concerned, I have given you recognition just by initiating you on the path of mysticism. I have not asked whether you are worthy or not, whether you deserve or not. I have recognized your potential spirituality without any examination, without any test.
You say “… a sign that you see me, that you know I exist – a look, a hand gesture, perhaps to answer a question.” I know that you exist – and my whole effort is that you should not exist; that’s why I go on avoiding seeing you! Because seeing you may give you energy and nourishment to exist, and that is not your true existence; that is your ego, you are suffering from an inferiority complex. I want you to drop this ego which is hungry for recognition. And the moment you drop it, immediately you will find there is recognition.
You say, “You never respond to this. Feeling the tension and pain this longing causes in me, I cry and then relax.” If you have carefully understood your own question, it has the answer: You cry and then relax. “An opening is there and you look my way.”
If you are relaxed the whole existence is tremendously happy. Not only am I looking at you, everything is looking at you. But the reason is your relaxation, the reason is your crying; your tears cleanse you, your relaxation does not allow the ego to form. And you have come to know the secret – that I look your way…
“Osho, must I always go through this way of pain and tears to reach my inner being?” It all depends on you. If you love it, if you want it this way – only then do you have to go through pain and tears. Otherwise you can go through laughter and singing and dancing. The whole question is that in pain and tears, or in singing and dancing, the ego disappears – it is your choice.
I have heard, a man noticed a signboard on a restaurant saying, “You are welcome here, and you will feel absolutely at home. Come in; at least just give us one chance to serve you.”
The man entered. The waitress came and he ordered four burnt chapatis. The waitress could not believe what he was saying – “Vegetable without any salt,” and things like that. She said, “Are you joking?”
He said, “No.” So she went, burned the chapatis, and brought the plates, feeling very weird about the whole thing – what kind of man is he? And then she asked, “Anything more?”
He said, “Yes, sit across from me and nag.”
She said, “You seem to be a very strange fellow.” He said, “I am not a strange fellow – just in front of your door, you say ‘You will feel at home,’ and I want to feel at home. That’s what happens in my home: burnt chapatis, vegetables without salt, everything wrong – and finally my wife sitting across from me, nagging me. Because of her nagging, I cannot even say that the chapatis are burned, that there is no salt…”
It is up to you: both are possibilities. You can relax through pain and tears… but that is not a good choice. You can relax through singing, dancing, rejoicing – and relaxation will come. Try the other way.
You say, “I am Jewish by conditioning. Could that be part of it?” It certainly is. But once you have become a sannyasin, you are no longer Jewish. A sannyasin is simply a human being. Your conditioning is there, but rather than continuing the tears and pain, start singing and dancing. Even if it feels a little difficult in the beginning, the conditioning can be changed; you can be unconditioned.
At the conclusion of the physical exam, the doctor summoned his patient into his office with a very grave look on his face. “I hate to be the one to break it to you, Fred,” he said, “but I’m afraid you have only got six months to live.”
“Oh my god!” gasped Fred, turning white. When the news had sunk in his heart he said, “Listen, Doc, you have known me a long time. Do you have any suggestions as to how I could make the most of my remaining months?”
“Have you ever been married?” asked the doctor.
Fred explained that he had been a bachelor all his life. “You might think about taking a wife,” the doctor proposed. “After all, you will need someone to look after you in the final illness.”
“That’s a good point, Doc,” said Fred. “And with only six months to live, I’d better make the most of my time.”
“May I make one more suggestion?” asked the doctor.
When Fred nodded, he said, “Marry a Jewish girl.”
“A Jewish girl – how come?” wondered Fred.
The doctor replied, “Then six months will seem like six lives.”
It is your choice, but my suggestion is: you have been married to Jewish conditioning; now get divorced. Just be a human being, rejoicing, dancing, singing. And if tears come they have to be of joy, of blissfulness, of peace, of silence. And the moment you feel relaxed, ecstasy will enter within your being from all sides. The whole existence will recognize you, not only me.
Ecstasy can be explained in other words:
A recognition by the whole existence that you are needed, that you are beautiful, that without you existence will be poorer.
Osho, The Hidden Splendor, Ch 14, Q 3