Were you always self-sufficient even as a child? Did you never need cuddling or hugging? Was your body free of this desire?
Unfortunately, yes. I dont remember that I ever needed any cuddling and hugging. I say, unfortunately, yes. Perhaps I have missed something beautiful. Cuddling and hugging are needed by children because they feel so small, so fragile, so afraid of the big world around. I have never felt any fear, and I have had my sources of warmth within myself – as far back as I can remember.
I never liked to sleep with my mother, with my father. Particularly my grandfather was very much in love with me. It is something to be understood. Grandfathers are always immensely in love. They may not have loved their own son, but they love their sons son. There must be some psychological reason behind it. Their own son, because of all the religious teachings in the air, has always reminded them that they have committed something ugly, sinful. This son is the by-product of that act. But with their sons son, they have no guilt feelings.
So it is always the grandfathers and grandmothers who are more loving. My grandfather was very loving, and he always wanted me to sleep with him. I point-blank refused him thousands of times: “You stop! I cannot!”
He said, “But what is the matter?”
I said, “There are two things. One, you cuddle me and you hug me, and that I dont like. Secondly, you cover your head with the blanket, and my head also. And it is too much. You snore inside the blanket, and the whole night I have to hear it.”
Finally he agreed. He said, “Okay. If you dont want to sleep in my bed, at least you can sleep in my room.” I said, “Thats okay,” so I had my small bed in his room. But just because of his snoring, I still covered my head. If I didnt cover my head, I immediately remembered him. He snored really loudly.
For years I slept in his room, covering my head just not to hear. I still cover my head. He has been dead for many decades, but he has left a present with me – this covering the head with the blanket. Once in a while I try to get rid of it, but within five minutes, it is back. He is not there snoring, but the air-conditioner, the fan in the other room – and I am surrounded by so many mechanisms. One or the other is making a noise. And I say, “Dear grandfather, will you ever leave me or not?” I dont think he is going to leave me.
I have never liked cuddling and hugging. In fact, it is not good of me – I dont like the smell of another persons body, but what can I do about it? About likings and dislikings you cannot do anything. You are born with them and you die with them – enlightenment or no enlightenment.
Osho, From Death to Deathlessness, Ch 5, Q 5 (excerpt