On December 9, 1989 1 am shocked to hear the news of Nirvano's death. I remember in one of His early discourses I had heard Him say that when a master leaves the body those who are deeply connected with Him won't be able to survive and He mentioned Nirvano as one of those people. I wonder if Nirvano's death affected Osho's body in some way.
On December 11, 1989, Osho's birthday, I am feeling very sad and I don't even send Him flowers. In the evening darshan when Osho is namasteing around, my heart is breaking in pain. When He looks at me, tears flow from my eyes as a birthday gift for Him. During satsang I feel Osho is withdrawing His energy and is getting ready to leave us. My mind pushes my feelings "away and says "No, no. He won't leave us so soon.
One evening Osho's physician announces in Buddha Hall that someone is chanting mantras during satsang and throwing some negative energy towards Osho and it is hurting Him in His navel center. He requests the person to stop it. After a couple of days the announcement is made again that a person is trying to hurt Osho intentionally, using black magic. Osho's message is that He can throw it back on the person but that is not His way. His compassion won't allow Him to do such a thing.
As Osho's body is the most precious thing to us, we, His sannyasins, try to locate the person doing this. The seating arrangement is changed for a few days but it is all in vein. The chanting of mantras continues and in spite of all this Osho continues coming out to Buddha Hall.
One evening I find someone else sitting in my reserved seat. I ask the person about it and he informs me that it is different today. All the Indians have to sit on this side and I can choose my seat. He further informs me that today during satsang we have to keep our eyes open. There is not much time left to confirm all this. I take a seat in the fourth row on the right side of Osho at an angle of nearly 45 degrees, which is always my favorite.
Osho enters the Buddha Hall podium. Music is going on and His face is looking transparent and very radiant. Slowly, slowly He turns around with folded hands, sits in His chair and closes His eyes; I am gazing at Him with my eyes wide open. His face is radiating light. After a few minutes the music stops and there is utter silence. Osho opens His eyes slowly and looks at His potential Buddhas meditating by turning His face. When He turns His face towards my side, in a flash of a moment my open eyes are plugged with His eyes. I simply freeze. A wave of fear passes through my body and it starts shaking. Osho continues gazing into my eyes. My mind goes blank and just this awareness is there that He is gazing in my eyes. I can't say how long it continues, maybe a couple of minutes, but it felt like eternity. My eyes close down on their own and I drown into a deep silence inside me. When I open my eyes Osho has already left the podium and Buddha Hall is almost empty. I can't think anymore. Somehow I get up and drag my body to my room and lay down on my bed not understanding what has happened.
I suddenly start crying like a small baby who has lost everything and is left somewhere totally alone. I cry and cry and go to sleep.
In the morning I wake up very fresh and unburdened. I prepare my morning tea and while sipping my tea with closed eyes, I realize I am pregnant with emptiness of which I have to take care.