[A sannyasin asks: Is there anything you could say about what sort of path I should follow? I feel unsure of what direction I should be going in.]
Whenever you're unsure, it is better not to choose but rather float and let life decide itself, because whatsoever you choose will be against your natural unsureness. It will be trying to make sure something which is not. Never jump ahead. Go with life. If at this moment your consciousness is unsure, then that's what has to be -- remain unsure. Nothing is wrong in being unsure. It is a freedom.
When you are unsure.... To use the word unsure makes it look a little problematic; rather, use the word freedom. When you are unsure you are freer, more liquid, not solid. More is possible when you are unsure. When you are sure, you have chosen -- and every choice is a limitation. Whenever you choose, you choose against something. Whenever you choose, you drop something. So every choice is a limitation.
If you choose the path of awareness, you drop love. If you choose the path of love, you drop awareness. If you choose to be a Christian, you cannot be a Hindu and cannot be a Mohammedan. Whatsoever you choose, in that very moment your consciousness is narrowed down. You become like a tunnel: only a very small portion of the sky is available at the far end but the whole sky is lost. When you are unsure the whole sky is available.
So don't take unsureness as a problem, rather take it as a flowing, liquid, fluid state of being. And there is no need to be sure. If the sureness comes by itself, good -- then it is not your choice and it will not be a limitation.
This distinction has to be understood deeply: when you choose, it becomes a limitation. When life itself brings you to a certain thing, it is not a limitation on you -- not at all. You can move through a tunnel -- you have not chosen it, it is only temporary -- and you know the whole sky is available once you have passed. That small portion of the sky that you can see far away you know belongs to the total sky -- it is not the whole sky because you have not chosen.
So if love happens by itself, awareness remains part of love. If awareness happens by itself, love remains part of it. If you choose, there is limitation. So let God choose. That is the meaning of Jesus' saying, 'Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done.' He's saying that he is not choosing now -- God should choose -- because whatsoever he chooses is bound to be wrong. It cannot be right in the very nature of things. Your choice will be your choice -- hence wrong! Your choice will be the choice of the mind -- hence wrong! Your choice will be the choice from the past -- hence wrong! God's choice is from the future, not from the past.
When you start feeling a certain sureness arising -- good, enjoy that too. If it again melts and things become unsure, enjoy that too. Move with life, with no prejudice, with no idea of your own. Give total freedom to life then life gives total freedom to you -- it is always in proportion. If you hanker for security, certainty, sureness, it is coming out of fear. And fear kills freedom! Why does the mind hanker so much to be sure? -- because with sureness, certainty, there seems to be security. One knows where one is -- but does one really know? And what is the need to know? How can one ever know?
The moment you say, 'I am this,' you are no more this -- it is already passed. Each identity that you think has arisen is already gone, it is already dead -- you have moved from that. The moment you say, 'I love,' it has changed. Now it is not the same state and not the same space. You may be just declaring something which does not exist any more. It may be just a declaration of something dead -- a post-mortem declaration, a posthumous declaration.
The moment you make anything sure, you have moved from it because life is movement, a continuous flux, river-like; it knows no limitation. So one can never be really certain. And to live with this uncertainty is really to live. To live at all is to live with uncertainty, with openness -- vague, nebulous; in a certain way, in chaos. And it is beautiful to be in a chaos.
Order is always ugly because order is always petty. And order is always ugly because order is man-made, home-made. God is a chaos: stars disappearing, new stars being born... old people disappearing, new babies being born. It is a chaos! It is very un-economical. For seventy, eighty years, a person has learned, been educated, experienced life and then suddenly God dismantles him and brings a baby -- again unsure what he is going to be: a doctor, an engineer, or a vagabond; will be able to earn his bread or will become a thief; will be a murderer or a saint -- nobody knows.
And the person who was getting settled, whom everybody knew, who had an identity card, is taken away. And God goes on sending chaotic babies -- screaming and crying and knowing nothing! They take the place of people who knew so many things -- were wise, learned, respected. He goes on toppling them, and brings babies and puts them on the throne -- very chaotic, uneconomical.
But that's how things are: big trees disappear and seeds sprout. The whole of life is a tremendous chaos -- and it is good that it is so. If there were order there would have been ancient, old people, and no babies. Everything would have been dead long ago. Nothing new would happen then, because the new can happen only out of chaos. Everything would have been so perfect, so efficient, so mechanical, that life would not have had any meaning. Life is significant because there is chaos. The new is possible -- that is the meaning of chaos. The old is not necessarily going to be repeated -- that is the meaning of being unsure.
So my whole teaching is to learn how to be happy with unsureness, and how to go on moving with an open mind and open being and let things come, let things happen. Never allow anything to become stagnant. If you can remember this much -- that you should not become a stagnant pool -- you are bound to reach to the ocean; nothing can prevent you. And to reach to the ocean is to reach to God. A river is more orderly than the ocean. A canal is even more orderly than a river. The canal is man-made. The river is more orderly because it is limited by both the sides, by the banks. The ocean is absolutely chaotic. And to be oceanic is the goal.
So live in freedom, live in unsureness, live in uncertainty, and never hanker for anything against this river-like quality. Millions of things will happen to you and nothing will ever hold you. You will pass through many things but you will always pass beyond. Things come and go -- the movement remains. And when you are simply starting to love the movement and delighting in it with no goal at all, with no motivation -- when the movement is there and motivation is not -- that's what I call celebration, joy. Then nobody can make you miserable. Even if you are thrown in hell you will be dancing there, you will be able to enjoy hell -- it is a beautiful grace.
Otherwise your so-called saints -- certain, sure, dogmatic -- even if they go to heaven.... I suspect that they don't go because God won't allow such boring, monotonous company -- but if they ever go, by hook or by crook or in some way... they will be in hell there too. They cannot laugh.
A rock is certain, a flower is not so. If you go in the morning the rock is there, the flower is there. If you go in the evening the rock is still there -- the flower is gone. But still, would you like to be a rock because a rock is very certain ? One should like to be a flower -- even if only for a moment, but it is worth it. To be a rock for millions of years and just to be a flower for a single hour, then too it is worth it to be a flower -- to play with the wind, to take the challenge of the sun, to spread fragrance, to live intensely, passionately, and then wither away and be gone with no regret.
The Shadow of the Whip, Chapter-11